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My first date back in the single game was quite interesting.
Sure, it wasn't the Hickey Girl, or Tongue Ring Girl, but it was definitely not what I was hoping for.
Christy and I had been texting and emailing for about a week, and I decided I should probably talk to her on the phone before we meet.
When I called her, I could hardly understand anything she was saying.
I had been having trouble with my droid in the past few weeks, so I thought maybe it was just my stupid smartphone. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. WRONG!
On our date, as we sat down at the restaurant and started looking at the menu, I realized something.
First off, the picture she sent me recently saying it was two weeks old was more likely two years old. She looked nothing like her pic. (Ladies, seriously you do yourself no favor by using these tactics).
Secondly, my smartphone was just fine. She was not.
"I mumble mumble mumble hockey mumble mumble mumble LOVE mumble mumble."
Huh? As she repeated her answer, she put her hand in front of her face. Because THAT always helps when you're articulating and enunciating! "I mumble mumble mumble hockey mumble mumble mumble LOVE mumble mumble."
Ok, so she's loves hockey I think.
As our appetizer came, she dove into them like she hadn't had a meal in months. I was afraid to put my hand near the plate for fear that it might get bit.
"Mumble mumble LOVE mumble mumble these mumble."
Ok, I think she loves the appetizer.
After about 30 minutes, it got so bad I texted a close friend and requested an emergency call - say my son got hurt at football, my apartment is on fire, whatever it takes!
Luckily she ate so fast that we were done before the call could be made.
I quickly walked out to my car, and as I was saying goodbye, I finally understood something she said. "I'd love to go out again sometime."I just looked at her with a blank stare. "Mumble mumble mumble bye!"
So I suddenly find myself single again.
Lady Friend® decided it was time for her to try something different, and we parted ways on relatively good terms.
It was unquestionably gut wrenching, but so very much easier for me this time around than my previous relationships that fell by the wayside.
That's not a reflection of Lady Friend®.
And hopefully it doesn't mean that I'm just getting used to being dumped...but I guess that's possible, too.
All my family and friends, in hindsight, have plenty of thoughts and opinions on the matter.
But frankly, the only opinions that mattered regarding our relationship were mine and Lady Friend's®.
I know that for me, personally, I'd never had a relationship go so smoothly. We could talk about anything, made each other laugh and smile every single day, and very rarely fought.It was far from perfect - what relationship is? But it was damn good.
But unlike previous break-ups when I sheltered myself away in a self imposed prison with thick walls, not allowing myself the pleasure of enjoying day-to-day life, this one is very different.
There is an empty space in my life where Lady Friend® had been for most of the last year, no doubt. But I learned, through trial and error, that true happiness has to come from within. You can't derive your happiness from someone else. And this time I didn't.
Yes, my relationship with her increased my level of happiness, but my life was not built around the life of another person.I guess that's the benefit of being an old fart. You learn from your past, and you avoid feeling the same pain by not allowing yourself to go down paths you already traveled.
I'm a better person for the time I spent with Lady Friend®, and I'm a better person for the lessons I learned as the relationship ended.
One key difference this time, compared to the last serious relationship I had, is that I made sure to have a proper goodbye. That never happened with the previous woman I dated, and to this day I remain dead in her eyes.
So this time around, I won't be sitting on the sidelines watching life go by for the next year and a half.
I'll be out there in the game of life, seeing what happens next.
Yes, love stinks. But life does go on, brah.
Just a little less than three years ago, there was an historic game played at the Metro- dome in the Twin Cities.
The University of Iowa Hawkeyes were playing against the University of Minnesota Gophers in what would be the final college game played by the Gophers in the dome.
The Hawkeyes put on an amazing display, walking away with a 55-0 victory.
And I missed it.
And I had a very good, but stupid reason.
You see I pissed myself. How does a grown man piss himself you may ask? Well, I'm about to tell you.
Back up to the week before the game. I had some major stress points going on, namely proving to a social worker that I was a good dad, despite my ex wife's attempts to the convince them to the contrary.
I had a lot of work stress at the time as well. And, I was getting ready to head to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, with my then girlfriend the day after the game, so that added to my stress level that week.
But as soon as the social worker left my house, assuring me I was indeed a good dad, the party started. It was about 5 p.m. on Friday, just a mere 24 hours, give or take, before kickoff.
So the party continued as my out-of-town guests began arriving for the weekend, ready to cheer on our beloved Hawkeyes.
In what was a blur of party, I somehow managed to be asked to leave one bar (I mean, really, is it THAT bad to try and get other fans in the bar to start chanting "LET'S GO HAWKS!" at the top of their lungs?), and closed down another.
There was some ketchup drinking, and random dancing with strangers thrown in.
The next morning, I woke up around 8 a.m. or so, still quite intoxicated from the night before. Knowing that I wasn't driving at all that day, I did what any other Hawkeye party animal would do...I had a beer for breakfast. And nothing else.
We then ventured off to our planned tailgate - being held in a bar due to cold weather - which opened at 10 a.m. Yes, despite still being drunk from the night before, I started drinking in earnest again with over 7 hours to go before kickoff.
And the bar we picked had a special going all day for Hawkeye fans. For $30, you got a free t-shirt, and all the beer and brats you could drink and eat.
As the 20 or so people who were planning to meet up at this tailgate began to arrive more fashionably late, it became clear to me that this bar was going to be packed, and the line for the free beer was going to be long.
So I did what any red-blooded Hawkeye fan would do, I started pounding as many beers as I could, as fast as I could, in order to make sure "I got my 30 bucks worf."
And so, by noon, I was absolutely smashed. And for some reason, this was the time that my bff, Gina, decided she needed to check into her downtown hotel room, and convinced me to help her find it.
Now there's something you should know about me. Even though I've lived here for 12 years, I don't know my way around downtown Minneapolis. Sober.
So I sure as hell was no help to her as we left the bar for our "quick" trip to get her checked in and return to the bar.
The rest is a blur. I remember being in Gina's car. I remember calling my gf in Mexico, telling her all the lovey dovey crap that men do when they're stupid. I remember Gina taking my phone and talking to the gf. And then it went blank.
It seems I passed out in Gina's front seat, and there was nothing she could do to wake me up. Nothing. She slapped me. She tickled me. She screamed in my face. I was out to the world. Needed a little beer nap, so to speak.
Not knowing what to do, and still not finding her hotel, Gina drove back to the bar, and still unable to get me to awaken from my beer coma, she left me in her car and returned to the bar.
She or someone else in my group would come out and check on me every so often, to make sure I hadn't woken up and stumbled out into the cold streets of the "Mini Apple."
(SIDENOTE: Let it be known that there is an ordinance in the City of Minneapolis that forbids you from sleeping in your car. I know this firsthand.)
So after a few hours of pulling a Rip Van MGD, somehow miraculously I was finally woken up. And after hours of sleeping, and then hitting the cold air, well there was only one thing on my mind.
While arguing with my friend, Ryan, about whether or not I was sober enough to go to the football game in a few hours, it hit me. I had to piss. Really really bad. And I was on a street in downtown Minneapolis, and had no idea where any bathrooms were.
So mid-sentence as I'm telling Ryan, "I'mmm fiiiiiiiine. I am gogin to duh gaaaaame," the cold air hitting me was replaced with a warm, liquidy burst of spent beer. "Ok ok....I am not gogin to duh gaaaaaame," I relented.
So my friends found a taxi driver, told him my address, and slipped him some extra money to put up with a urine smelling passenger for the next 30 some minutes. I made it home safely, and watched the game from the friendly confines of my couch, realizing that had I gone to the game, there was an excellent chance I'd end up in jail, and miss my trip to Mexico the next morning.
A few lessons I took away from this event that I, nor my friends, will forget anytime soon:
1) If you're going to pass out, don't do it in a car in downtown Minneapolis.
2) Ketchup isn't that bad on it's own.
3) Even when a social worker tells you that you're a good parent, it doesn't mean you should get so drunk to celebrate that you piss yourself.
I love Halloween.
There's no doubt that it's my favorite holiday, which maybe makes me some kind of devil worshiping freak in the minds of some.
But alas, I've always loved it.
There is something about dressing up and pretending to be something else - a football player, a movie star, a psycho with a chain saw, or the President of the United States.
When I was in grad school, my ex-wife and I used to always host costume karaoke parties every year.
I decided to try and string together political costumes for a few years. One year I was JFK back from the dead (complete with entrance wounds in my neck). I couldn't convince my ex to be Marilyn Monroe back from the dead. She didn't share my level of classy awesomeness, I guess.Another year I was Terry Braindead (a parody of then, and now AGAIN Governor of Iowa, Terry Branstad).
Another year I was George Herbert Walker Bush, and made my ex wear a pearl necklace (wait, what?).
You can be anyone you want to be on Halloween. Your imagination is your only limitation.But the older I've gotten, the clearer it's become that putting on a mask and costume doesn't mean you've become that make-believe person.Yes, it's easy for one day a year to pretend you're someone else.
But the other 364 days you better not be pretending to be anyone but you.
As I passed my 40th, and then 41st birthday, I've realized that I wouldn't want to be anyone else but me.
Yeah my hairline is higher than Willie Nelson on tour.
My belly is buddhalicious. I wish that I could grow a kick ass goatee overnight.
I procrastinate, and get distracted easily.
I forget stuff way too often.
And when I'm hungry, I mean really hungry, I get really crabby.
I have a tendency to take things personally, and I am not good at asking people for help when I need it.
My feet stink when I've been on them all day. And I suffer from chronic halitosis.
But that's me, damn it. And I love being this imperfect, old balls dude.
Yes, I want to do some things for my health requiring that I change some of that (goodbye Hoppy beer, hello water), but I'm not trying to "fix" myself, or become someone other than me.
And you shouldn't either.
It's ok to be a porn star, Steve Bartman, or Hanz and Franz each October.
But the rest of the time, try being you.
And if people don't like it, you tell them Clemmy is hungry (really hungry!) and he told you to tell them to go eff themselves!
One week from today, my parents will be going back home.
And it is an amazing feeling to know that our worst fears, or even our smallest fears, were never realized.
When we were at the end of two days of dizzying work evacuating them from the Dakota Dunes almost three months ago, we all were saying "Let's hope all this work is for nothing."
And it was.
Despite the record flooding, not a drop of water went into my parents' home, thank God.
Tragedy was averted. The sandbags AND prayers helped us escape the flood.
And while it might be easy to second-guess our efforts, I have to say I'm very happy it happened. The entire situation made me realize even more than before why I love my hometown, and most importantly, the people there.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. If I ever have to face difficult times, or face a personal tragedy, God willing it would happen in Sioux City.
Because if it did, I know that I would not be left high and dry (pun intended).
But make no mistake, the flood did plenty of damage. The residents of Riv-R-Land Estates, just north of the Dunes, are wiped out, literally. And many residents of the Dunes also are facing either groundwater or floodwater in their homes.
We were lucky, not everyone was.
And for those impacted, I can only say that your neighbors are good people. Probably people you've gotten to know a little bit better through all this. So lean on them. And let them lean on you.
Next weekend, when I toast to my parents' return to their home, I'll also be toasting to my peeps.
Don't listen to the rest of the world, Siouxland...you people rock!
Mazel tov!
I detest taking my car into the mechanic.
Almost as much as I detest going to the doctor or dentist.
Ultimately, that fear usually bites me in the ass...delaying the visit makes things worse.
I've had my share of fun incidents with cars.
There was the time the engine on my Chevy Celebrity blew up on I-80, 60 miles from my home at the time in Iowa City.
My then wife was out of town, and I had no way to get home other than riding along with the tow truck. Yes, I used a 60 mile tow as my personal taxi.
Or the time my engine blew up on my Saturn. Or the other time my engine blew up on my Saturn.
So, this weekend, when my engine started to sputter, and surge up and down in RPMs, with a check engine light on, I was positive that the auto mechanic would be telling me my Saturn had cancer.
So much so that I was already shopping for used cars that fit my budget, planning to bring a new car home with me to the Tundra from my hometown of Sioux City.
Alas, I was wrong. As I approached the mechanic working on my car, I was prepared for the bad news.
"Well your engine is in incredible shape," he said.
Wait, what?
"Yeah, and I have it running pretty good at the moment. You could probably take it home with you to Minnesota and get it fixed up there, since that's your hometown."
I cringed.
"That's not my hometown. I just live there. This is my hometown," I told him.
I told him I was a little bit nervous, since he said that once my engine got cold, it would probably act up again.
"Well I can't get the part here for 4 days minimum. I bet they have it up in the Twin Cities. Plus then you'll be in your hometown where you know people."
I cringed again.
"That's NOT my hometown. I live there. I grew up here. THIS is my hometown," I reiterated.
I explained to him that this week at work was really crucial for me, and that I couldn't afford to have my car go out on me once I got up here.
"Well don't you have another car up there that you can use?" (THANK GOD he didn't end the question with "in your hometown.")
"No, no, I'm a single dad. No other car. That's all I've got," I told him.
"Well, Steve, if it was me, I'd drive it up to Minneapolis and get it fixed up there."
After a few dizzying moments of having my car doctor telling me to go home and find a different remedy, I put my foot down.
"No, go ahead and order the parts and I'll come back down to pick the car up when you're done."
He shrugged, and agreed...but only after I told him that I didn't want to risk having the car go out on my drive back to Minnesota with my boys in the car.
"Oh you have kids, well, yeah, I guess I wouldn't risk that either."
But he was okay with letting me get stranded in the middle of nowhere?
And so, in the end, we were in agreement. It was much better for me to get my car fixed in my hometown.
*Facepalm*
It was 22 years ago tomorrow that my life changed forever.A faulty metal fan disk on a DC-10 flying over fly-over country broke off and severed all the hydraulic lines, making the plane nearly impossible to fly.That faulty metal fan disk, manufactured who knows where, would change my life, and lives of thousands of others, forever.I was just an 18-year-old know-it-all lifeguard who was more concerned about my tan and where the beer party was at that night. Invincible.But for the passengers on the plane, that faulty metal disc put them in a lottery for life, injury, or death.These total strangers who fell from the sky probably had never thought of a faulty metal disc when they boarded the plane in Denver that morning.I know I had never even really thought much at all about plane crashes in general before that day. It's what happened in the movies and on the TV news.But for the passengers and crew, the emergency workers on the ground, the volunteers who helped out wherever they could, that faulty disk changed everything. In the blink of an eye.I'm a better person today than I was before the crash, but that didn't happen overnight.But the main point is this. You never know when that blink-of-an-eye moment will occur for you, and whether it will change you forever, or end you forever.So take more risks. Don't be afraid of tomorrow, because it may not come! Live your life deliberately. Enjoy every moment.Live.
Stop worrying.
Breathe.
Drink.
Celebrate.
Cry.
Whatever it is you need to do, do it.Because your blink of an eye can happen, well, in the blink of an eye.
As I begin to venture back into the dating world, I thought it would be a good time to share some of the top dating stories I've written on my blog over the past few years.So here we have a collection of funny stories brought to you by the world of dating as a single old dad!
First, we have my top 5 online dating tips. This is a collection of what I felt, at least in 2009, were the top 5 things to know if you are deciding to venture into the world of online dating!
Second, a little tale about how I ended up at Golden Corral for my first New Year's Eve date with my former Lady Friend®. Relax, it wasn't her fault - her step dad picked it out!
Next up, we have the bet I made with yet another former girlfriend, on whether we'd end up alone or not. The winner, er, loser, gets steaks!
And we can't cover that former girlfriend without the story of how I had to really go # 2 on my date #1 with her, and the situation that prevented me!
The final two blogs I'm sharing are my two personal favorites from my dating days. The stories, NOT the women I went on the date with.
The first of these, The Tongue Ring Girl, wath jutht purely epic!
But if you want to read what is to this day probably my post popular blog entry, revisit the night I had with The Hickey Girl.
Happy re-reading, or reading for the first time for my newer fans, and beware the world of dating!
A good friend of mine once asked me how I did it.He watched as I was going through one bad thing after another, and he couldn't figure out how I kept moving on.Because I don't have a choice.When I went off to college, grossly under prepared for the academic rigors of Grinnell, my dad pulled me aside as they were getting ready to send me off into adulthood.He reached out his closed fist and said "Here, take this."As I opened my palm, he dropped a small rubber dinosaur into it."What's this?"My dad then gave me one of the best pieces of advice I've ever received."When I went off to college, my dad gave me a toy dinosaur, too," he explained. "He told me I was about to embark on a path that would include tough obstacles and no map to navigate through it."And he wanted me to know that when I was in the middle of facing those obstacles, to remember that just like the dinosaurs, this too shall pass."I don't know if I ever properly thanked my dad for those words of wisdom.But I can tell you that I still have that dinosaur. And someday I plan to give it to my sons as they venture down the broken road of life.This too shall pass.
The last two weeks or so, I am now officially an EastEnder.It's been a bit of a culture shock, but in a good way.I have been very happy to drive down the street and see stores and shops owned by moms and pops, and not a major corporation.It has been refreshing to see the diversity - economically, socially, racially - in my former western burb, everyone pretty much was 1) rich, 2) white, and 3) Republican.I have nothing against rich, white Republicans. I used to be one (well except the rich part). But I do have something against my boys thinking that's the reality of the world.This new world I'm living in, just 30 minutes from my old world, is like a clean canvas waiting for the boys and I to paint our own masterpiece upon it.We're already developing some new traditions. Trips to The Clemcuzzi©, grabbing a bite to eat at a Mexican restaurant without the word "Bell" in it, or just sitting on our first floor patio instead of our third floor balcony, putting our bare feet in the grass and enjoying the weather.And even our family cat has adjusted. She went from a wide-eyed wanderer, sniffing every last corner, to now lounging near the open screen door, letting the sun beat down on her while the birds land nearby to unsuccessfully taunt her.And the gas station attendant near my apartment already knows me. Tonight I pulled in to fill up my tank, and had already started pumping when I read the sign that says "Please Pre-Pay after 5 p.m." Whoops!I went in to pay and grab a few snacks for the boys, and apologized to him for not pre-paying. "Oh no, sir, I know you! You can do that anytime, anytime. No problem."This isn't a slight of my old digs. I have plenty of great friends, as do my kids, back that way.But right now, it feels pretty damn good to be an EastEnder.
My first date back in the single game was quite interesting. 
