Friday, May 15, 2009

The Online Dating Scene: Top 5 Tips

As I mentioned in my previous blog entry, The Hickey Date, I've had my share of online dating over the last 3 years since my divorce.

There are some very important tips that you should follow if you are about to venture out into the cyberworld of matchmaking. Here are my top 5 online dating tips:

5 - Never agree to go on a date with someone who has more pictures of their pets on their profile than of themselves. Let's face it...if they have that many pics of Fido, they are either a) a person who treats their pet like a child, a big red flag, or b) a person who looks worse than their drooling bulldog...a ginormous red flag.

4 - "That's an old picture of me. I don't look anything like that anymore." Um, hello? Then why do you have it posted? NEXT! People using old photos on their profile are either saying "this is when I looked my best, 6 years ago" or "I can't afford a digital camera or I don't have a friend with a digital camera, therefore, I am not worthy of your time."

3 - If you show up and you notice an Adam's Apple on Tiffany, you are fully authorized to fake a heart attack to get out of your date. This rule is recognized in over 36 nation states currently.

2 - Talk on the phone with your potential date before the actual meeting. I learned this the hard way. I had been emailing a woman that I seemed to be getting along great with, and we agreed to meet. We never spoke on the phone before that date. I showed up, and as she spoke, I could hear her voice combining one of Marge Simpson's sisters with Fat Albert. Do. Not. Want.

1 - Use creative wordplay on your dating profile to lure the women in for dates. An example: "Activities: Currently unemployed and staying home playing video games all day drinking beer" becomes "Economically self-sufficient man taking stock of his life and exploring his options." Or "Lazy fat guy seeks sugar mama" becomes "Artistic soul in search of a woman who has it all, but needs companionship and love." It's not that hard. Give it a try.

Happy dating!


Anonymous said...

I got spurs that Gingo, Gingo, Gingo

Jenn said...

Dude! I only have a digital camera because my mom gave me her old one. And now you have me worried about my Adam's apple. Damn. Now I know I'm doomed, cleavage or not. This is one cruel world, buddy. I'm going to

STW said...

Oy. I think I dated your Tiffany.

Randee said...

You crack me up...I am glad to see another blog post from you.....and I can AMEN you on all that (but substite wine and facebooking for the video games and beer) and you got that right. I must not be the girl with the bad have talked to me since we met ;). (I was reading to see ifyou named me inyour list of scary online dating tips--- "do not talk to anyone who tells you they also grew up in sioux city, their dad is in the legal field and their mom in book club with your mom...LOL)

Vivek Malik said...

Interesting article. I for one am surprised at how successful dating sites have become :)

~Trish~ said...

LOL well stated!